My deepest wound. My greatest cross. Pride.
Lord, I don’t know how many times I asked “why am I like this?” I’m so frustrated with all the sass that rests in my face and the all strength I feel like my heart needs to have to carry this part of myself. Lord, I’m so tired of carrying this extra unholy side of me.
I see all the other Christian women with such child like love and purity that reigns from their halos. But I am nothing like them. I have a “tough love” heart and I don’t always have joy or a smile in every moment. But this is my heart. And it sucks.
Truthfully, this personality of mine makes me feel ugly. I’ve tried to change, I’ve tried to soften my voice, make gentle my heart, and intentionally loosen my facial expressions but I don’t feel me. Sometimes I don’t feel me in any personality. I don’t know why You made me like this. I doubt this is what Mary was like. I’m struggling with me.
I know You’ve created me in so such goodness. You have gifted me with amazing spiritual experiences and I feel so unworthy.
But Lord, why do I feel mean? How do I get rid of this pride? What do I pray to make it go away? How many Hail Mary’s, how many Our Father’s?
When is my sweet side going to triumph this sass?
If I am made in Your image, then no other woman can compare to how You crafted me. Although I have questions, I am affirmed in my own beauty that You created me to have. You were sassy sometimes too, and I feel closer to You when I read scripture that shows that.
Thank You for who I am, even when I don’t want to be. Thank You for the strength You blessed me with, God. I fall short of seeing the image You paint of me, but I hold close that You see me even more beautiful than my own fiancé does.
Mama, you who held beauty perfectly. Pray for me to draw closer to your Son.
God, allow my words to fall into a love letter of Your word to this world. I ask that in every encounter, no one remembers me (and my sass), but only You. To take away all pride, make me little. Allow my worry for coming off like a “super Catholic” to disappear and just to continue to draw closer to You. Grab my heart so tight that there is no room for me to care what people think about me, but love unconditionally. I am Yours.
If pride is the root of all evil in sin, I will pray for humility at all cost.
Make me a child Lord.